Lights Out In Shmuely's Promised Land
Sydney Morning Herald
Friday May 8, 1998
A rabbi with old-fashioned ideas manages to make marriage sound sexy, writes GAVIN EVANS.
YOU MAY not know it, but we are bored with sex. We really should be switching off the TV and getting on with it - four times a week. If we follow this advice, the divorce rate will fall, everyone's health will improve "1,000 per cent", and the "sexual crisis" will dissipate.
Another wild claim from some publicity-seeking Yankee sexologist? Not exactly. The American accent is there, but the voice belongs to Oxford's Hassidic rabbi, Shmuel "call me Shmuely" Boteach, (pictured right), 31-year-old father of six and author of The Jewish Guide To Adultery and now Kosher Sex (Duckworth, $29.95).
Boteach says he is simply following the traditional Jewish teachings on the subject.
This ancient wisdom, he insists, is as relevant to the modern world as the ancient. "Specifically, I think non-Jews will benefit from it. What people want is both spirit- uality and passion," says Boteach.
There are, however, certain provisos. First, the only place for sex is marriage (though he is "completely sympathetic to those born gay"). And it's best, he advises, to get married young after a short courtship.
"The whole idea of love is that someone overwhelms you with their affection and emotion. There's something very innocent about it," he explains, warning that the more sexual relationships we have before marriage, the higher the percentage of marriages breaking up (he was "deeply affected" by his own parents' divorce when he was eight).
"When you've tasted pain several times, an outer shell develops and you don't let people hurt you, so there'll be no complete capitulation; they won't let go, they still feel inhibited."
As an Orthodox rabbi, he disapproves of masturb- ation, explaining: "To the sexual gurus and experts, it's the ultimate heresy, masturbation is a cop-out. The more sexual outlets we allow ourselves, the less dependent we are on the person we're married to."
Add to that his opposition to anything that gets in the way of mutual dependence (from condoms to prenuptial agreements), his preference for the missionary position, his case for women dressing "modestly" (the "essence of erot- icism") and his admonitions about anything other than sex at night, with the lights out, and you have a sexual perspective that would severely restrict the style of most Westerners.
But most intriguing is his general perspective on sex within marriage.
"It is an insult to call your husband or wife a best friend," he says.
"When that becomes the principal description, your marriage is screwed. But people today go into marriage to have a best friend because the body has been so degraded since the sexual revolution that they've lost belief in its power. They no longer believe in the long-term viability of sexual passion."
The true purpose of marriage is not compatibility but intimacy, and this can only be achieved through sex. "Real great sex is the only situation in our lives where we utterly let go. Any form of in- hibition will destroy that intimacy and make it into a performance," he says.
"Married couples in their 20s, 30s and 40s should have sex four times a week and it should last 20 minutes to half an hour, not just for three and half minutes at a time."
The proviso here is that it happens only when prescribed, because the Orthodox ban on sex for five days during menstruation and seven days after is a "universal principle" - not least because it promotes "two weeks of intimacy and communication and two weeks of passion" and also, "gives time to build up a sexual reserve".
Kosher sex, he says, reduces psychological and physical illness, improves work prospects, and makes your children happier and more secure. "When you feel really good about yourself and you think someone cares about you, anxiety is lessened and you become healthier."
Boteach's saving grace is that while he admits to being a "shameless self- promoter", he possesses a disarmingly self-deprecating wit, which allows you to take his more grandiose assertions with a pinch of salt.
That is fortunate for anyone from outside a fundamentalist religious framework trying to follow his teaching; because, if you set aside his more prosaic advice, you arrive at a deeply religious view which is refreshingly enthusiastic about both women and men revelling in the enjoyment of carnal knowledge.
"In Judaism, sex is primarily about pleasuring the woman," he reminds readers.
"One of the 613 commandments of the Bible is that a man must give his wife orgasms. It is the only religion that glories in sex . . . It's a beautiful thing because it is the only thing in life which makes us feel intensely alive."
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR KOSHER SEX
1. Sex should take place more than four times a week, each lasting 20-30 minutes. But not for 12 days each month, during or after menstration.
2. Masturbation is not an acceptable substitute for sexual intercourse.
3. Sex should take place at night.
4. Sex should be in the marital bed with the lights turned off to increase the mystery.
5. If sex never contravenes basic level of human dignity (never fornicate with an animal for instance), it's a beautiful, holy thing.
6. Oral sex is allowed.
7. Couples are encouraged to experiment in their sexual repertoire, but Judaism insits on one principal position - the "missionary", in which "a couple can kiss and exchange the breath of life".
8. Condoms create the ultimate barrier to intimacy, according to Judaism. The pill or diaphragm is preferrable.
9. Gay sex is OK, though not preferable to the coming together of "opposites".
10. Frequent sex with the same partner improves your health.
© 1998 Sydney Morning Herald